Give Thanks

Did you know that gratitude (a rather energizing emotion) and criticism or complaining (usually accompanied by a bit of grumpiness...) are mutually exclusive thought and emotional processes? It is almost impossible to be truely grateful for something or someone while at the same time feeling critical of or ittitated with that same person or object. So the next time you feel a bit down & you want to do something to improve your mood--just try finding 3 things that you are grateful for--even in the midst of the crrent chaos you may be facing--and see if this change in thinking doesn't improve your mood a bit!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

No Shows

Today I had an intake scheduled--and the person didn't show up. I wish that the person would have called to cancel! Instead, I sat there for the duration of the appointment time, pondering why someone makes an appointment with a professional and doesn't show up, and doesn't bother to cancel.

I understand it on some levels--change is really hard--it is difficult with a capital "D". When I first needed to call a therapist, I was able to use the excuse that it wasn't about me--the graduate school doctoral program at UC Boulder in Colorado requires that all graduate students in the doctoral program be in therapy themselves--for many reasons (all of them good ones, it turns out!). even though "It wasn't my fault' I needed help, it was still VERY difficult to make and keep that first appointment (and several subsequent ones as well.) We psychologists call that 'resistance.' Resistance to change--it is actually a good thing! We prefer to live in an orderly world, with circumstances around us and interaction rules and patterns with others being fairly predictable. We tend to prefer the 'status quo.'

In fact, during this last presidential election I kept hearing everyone talking about 'change' as if change, in and of itself, is always a good thing. That is simply not so. Change can happen for the good, or for the bad. If I open a water spigot and it is lukewarm, I may want a specific change--but I will definitely pay attention to which direction the change happens and how quickly it happens--or I have a 50/50 chance of being scalded! So--when I hear someone talking about change, I want to know details. What change? What are the goals? What are the pros and cons? What is the cost of change? Will I really like the change when it comes?

These are all really good questions to ask about change. And I wish I had had the opportunity today to explore my client's viewpoints on these questions and more today--or that he or she would have at least had the courtesy to call and either cancel or reschedule. However, an interesting thing happens when you just schedule an appointment to begin to 'deal' with some of the changes you may want to make in your life...You feel better the minute you hang up just having made an appointment. Just having taken that first step alleviates some of the unrest you had been feeling before the call. So then, next week, by the time the appointment rolls around, you often feel enough better that you are not so sure you need help anymore! Wow--miraculous intervention! Unfortunately, when you are really 'stuck' at some transition point in your life, the unrest will again surface, because you actually have NOT changed anything. (ouch!).

So, do yourself (and those of us in the helping profession) a favor the next time this happens to you--consider making it to the first appointment--just to clarify for yourself what change you are considering and whether or not this is the best time to be making that change. And if you simply cannot do that, for heaven's sake, please at least call to cancel the appointment!

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